Love...regrets...loss

Love. What does loving someone mean? I have felt it for many people over the course of my life, but I wonder if I will ever have someone feel the same type of love for me that I feel for them.

Over the past 15 years, I have loved many men. All of them will hold a special place in my heart. I can honestly say that only two have really remained in my heart for a long time. I know the one who will always be in my heart - the one that I will always love because he was the first guy I ever fell completely in love with.

As the story goes, he broke my heart simply because he didn't feel the same way about me. Because of the special memories and the amazing things he did for me, I know I will always love him. Whenever I needed a friend, he was there for me. He made me laugh like no one else ever has. He stood by me when I needed a shoulder to lean on and he helped me get through the loss of my favorite uncle. He wrote me a poem using the letters of my name. He gave me a flowering plant to show me how much he cared. Even though I no longer have the plant, I have a picture to remind me that he did care even though it wasn't in the way I wanted.

This boy was my best friend, he was my comfort and I wish that I could get that back. Some things aren't meant to be, I guess. Maybe I hurt him too. I don't know, but I can imagine I did. He hurt me more than anyone, but I still loved him - and I still do.

The other boy will have a special place in my heart, but I don't feel for him as I once did. He is a special friend to me, but that is all I feel for him now. I guess I'm numb after all I was put through with him.

I have regrets with the first boy I ever loved completely. I regret that I didn't remain in his life and that I couldn't get get past the hurt he caused me to stay friends with him. I'm sure if he's reading this, he knows this is about him.

Love is something I can feel completely. I love my friends and family more than words can say. I love the people who have always been there for me and loved me for who I am. These are the people who have made me what I am today.

Falling in love is wonderful, but it's horrible when it ends. I hope that one day I will find a man who will fall for me in return. I know I deserve the best, but I'm wondering if the best will ever come along. I can only wait and see what the future holds for me. I'm hoping love is part of what makes this year a great one.

Dreams do come true...I hope!

Ever since I first read Anne Rice's "Interview with the Vampire" and saw the movie in 1995, I have wanted to be a writer. I guess you can say it is my dream job. Right now, I'm following that dream and I'm excited and yet scared of where it might lead. I don't know if I will get published and I don't know if I will have enough money to get me where I'm going, but I have to have faith that good things will happen for me.

With the love and support of my friends, I have reached out to do what I have been dreaming of since I was 15. I have sent letters and queries to several publishers with hopes to get my series started. I have always dreamed of meeting new people and meeting the people that have inspired me to write.

During the recent JAA banquet for the Hall School of Journalism at Troy University, I met some lovely people and saw some of my fellow journalists recognized for their achievements. I am proud to have completed my degree at Troy.  I was able to see some of the professors I enjoyed while I was there and I even got to catch up with a few old friends. I am rooting for the Master's program for this fall. I would love to get a Master's in Communication, though what I will do with it is a huge question right now. I know Troy will be a better university if the program does get picked up this fall. I would be proud to be one of the first graduates of the Master's in Communication program.

As with everything, there are trials and tribulations, but we grow stronger with each twist and turn. We can expect things to get better for us after all of the unhappy times and the lows that have held us down. We want to know that our dreams and hopes are not stupid and can be achieved. We struggle on to a better tomorrow and hope that when things do start turning around, they really do make us happy.

Right now, I can honestly say that I am happy - as much as I can be without a job and money. I am following my dream - the one I mentioned at the beginning of this blog. I am going to be an author! I am going to finish Christian's story and make everyone love him as much as I do. (And yes, folks, this Christian was named WAY before I even met Christian Kane!)

I want to finish all the things I've never had time for in the past year. I want to catch up with old friends and make a bunch of new ones. I want to love someone this year like I have never loved before. If I get my heart broken, that's all part of the process. I just want to feel and write and make more of my life. I want to dream about all the things that I wish would come true for me.

Most of all, I want all of you that read this to continue to pray for me. I love each one of you and I wish for you the best that life can bring.

Happy 2011!

Looking back over the past few entries, I know that 2011 has got to have better things in store for me.

A job. A new love. A book deal. New friends. A better life.

Those are just a few things I want right now. I still can't get Jason out of my head. I miss him very much and without my phone, I can't even let him know that. I know I don't need to bother with him anymore after all the hurt he's put me through. It's a burned bridge I need to leave alone.

The highlight of my 2010 was definitely meeting Christian Kane. I know that's an experience I'll always treasure and I look forward to hearing him sing live sometime in the future.

Another highlight was interviewing Anna Garrott. Anna is a very talented woman from Troy that I'd never met before, but I thoroughly enjoyed talking to her on the phone for the interview. I just wish I'd gotten to meet her in person.

I look back on my time as a reporter at both county newspapers and I can say I've gotten to interview some pretty amazing people. But I think I will always be fond of the interview I had with my Uncle Donald and the article I got to write about him.

I still have the information from my interview with my Uncle Robert that I want to turn into an article or story. Just the stories are enough for a great tale. I'll be sure to share it here with everyone when I finish it.

I currently have six people reading my book and none of them has finished. I added another to the list last night because I know she'll do her best to read it. I need some serious opinions other than from one single person, who LOVED it. It's almost wrapped up but not quite and it needs a serious edit to make sure I haven't screwed up the timeline or any details.

I'm making notes on a short story that I'm working on. It started out with a crazy idea and kept building from there. It's a cowboy story. Not something I normally write but something I felt compelled to write because of Christian Kane's music.

I foresee a lot of personal writing in 2011 and hopefully a new beginning that will bring me some long awaited happiness.

I didn't have too many views on some of my 2010 blogs so I'll only do a top 5. Here they are:

5. Remembering mom's favorite things

4. Hurt

3. Things happen for a reason

2. The hurt that mixes with pain

1. Former teacher touched lives at Pleasant Home

Moving on from dream to reality

I'm trying very hard to be strong and keep a good head on my shoulders. And right now, being around people who care is an important part of getting through this hard time.

I have some wonderful friends and people who care about me and I'm so thankful for them in my life. Without them I'd have no one and I'd be all alone.

Sometimes I feel all alone in a crowded room, but that's just because I've lost everyone I've ever cared about - mostly family. I've lost one of my best friends, a guy who I thought would always be there for me. Turns out that his "old and grey" story was short lived. People change because of how you treat them and sometimes they can't change back to who they were when you met them.


The highlight in all of this mess is that I got to meet my favorite man in the entire world, Christian Kane. I met him could not find a single word to say that didn't sound completely stupid. I've always been like that when I've tried to talk to someone I had a huge crush on. I keep wondering what would have happened if I'd had the courage to do what I wanted. I have a lot of whatifs in my life. And I know I won't live this one down. But at least I got a picture with him. I'm really proud of it and that I got his autograph too. I know if I had a second chance to do it all again I would probably be the same way. Wish I'd had more of my girls with me to push me to do what I should have done. But it's okay. Hopefully one day I will get my chance again and I won't be a chicken. But I guess it was having built him up to be my perfect idea of Mr. Right that kept me from talking to him. I know if I could pick one person to be my Mr. Perfect, my knight in shining armor, my soulmate, it would be Christian.

I have so many dreams and hopes and wishes for my life. Mostly I wish to find true love and have my name on a book cover one day. I keep dreaming even though I know my dreams seem so far away from me right now.

After having lost Jason, I feel like I might never be whole again, but I know I will be. I've been through this before with him and with someone else whom I still see in this town. I hate having to be in this town knowing they can be happy without me in their lives. But one day I'll be happy without them too. I just have to find it or let it find me.

Fairytales and Castles by Lifehouse is one of my favorite songs. I guess I still hope that one day I'll get a happy ending of some sort.

Fairytales and Castles
by Lifehouse

He says he looks in the mirror
And he can't tell anymore
Who he really is and who they believe him to be
And he says he walks a thin line
Between what is and what could be
He's getting closer
To something he can't understand

Cause there's a crack in his plastic crown
And his throne of ice is melting
He climbed his ladder
There was nothing there
And now it's a long way down

Cause on and on and on he goes
Dancing on the grave
Of what he thought was still alive, hey
On and on and on he goes
Dancing in mansions made of twigs
And castles made of sand

He says his head is filled with
Cartoons and fairy tales
And he's trapped inside a dungeon of dolls
With smiles on their faces
He's built a pretty cage
His shows on a beautiful stage
With candy coated prison bars
And chains that look like jewelry

Cause there's a crack in his plastic crown
And his throne of ice is melting
He climbed his ladder
There was nothing there
And now it's a long way down

Cause on and on and on he goes
Dancing on the grave
Of what he thought was still alive, hey
On and on and on he goes
Dancing in mansions made of twigs
And castles made of sand

Cause he lives inside
A fairy tale sand castle now
And there's room inside
For false expectations and illusions

Cause there's a crack in his plastic crown
And his throne of ice is melting
He climbed his ladder
There was nothing there
And now it's a long way down

Cause on and on and on he goes
Dancing on the grave
Of what he thought was still alive, hey
On and on and on he goes
Dancing in mansions made of twigs
And castles made of sand

Cause on and on and on he goes
Dancing on the grave
Of what he thought was still alive, hey
On and on and on he goes
Dancing in mansions made of twigs
And castles made of sand

Cause on and on and on he goes
Dancing on the grave
Of what he thought was still alive, hey
On and on and on he goes
Dancing in mansions made of twigs
And castles made of sand

Cause on and on and on he goes
Dancing on the grave
Of what he thought was still alive, hey
On and on and on he goes
Dancing in mansions made of twigs
And castles made of sand

The hurt that mixes with pain

Author's note: I wrote this Thursday night before everything fell completely apart. The girl in the story is me and the guy - well let's just say he's someone I should have forgotten a long time ago. This isn't the first time he's hurt me. It's just the last time I'm letting him. He hurt me by doing the one thing I feared most: him getting back with his ex. He said he loved me more than as a friend and that if he wanted a relationship it would be with me. This was four months ago and now he's gone and completely ripped my world apart. He hasn't stood by me and he hasn't been there when I've needed him. He's gone and I want to die. He told me he would rather die old and alone than to be without me to keep him sane. Well I guess that's just another broken promise to add to all the others he's made to me. So here's the story of my hurt...

He wasn't what she wanted, but he was what she had and what she thought she deserved.

He wasn't gorgeous, but his eyes were the oddest shade of blue mixed with green she'd ever seen. Just looking at him when he wasn't looking at her made her heart skip a beat.

She loved him but he didn't love her. He said he thought he loved her more than a friend twice in the nine years they had known each other. Both times he was jealous of someone else in her life. And now she was alone waiting on him to come home to a house they shared together.

Sometimes she thought she was loosing the will to live and sometimes she cried when he wasn't there. She sometimes cried when he was there but he didn't notice. And it was probably because he didn't really care.

She stared at the computer screen, wondering what to write as an episode of Dawson's Creek played on the TV. She wondered where he was, what he was doing, who he was with.

It didn't really matter she guessed, taking a puff of her cigarette and a drink of her Diet Coke. She put on her reading glasses and stared at the computer screen again. The blinking curser mocked her.

She wanted to be a writer. She wanted to have a love that could last past the three month mark. She wanted some life experiences to give her the guts to follow her heart and fall in love with someone who could potentially be her soul mate.

But there was him. And he was her world. He had been for the past nine years and he always would be. In the back of her mind she always thought of him and how he'd been her second love – the one who'd brought her out of her shell even though he had his own problems.

He'd made her into what she was, but he wasn't what she needed. She needed someone who wanted to come home to her and someone who wanted to hold her at night. Someone who would curl up with her and watch silly shows like Friends or Dawson's Creek. Someone who would look at her and love her for who she was.

He couldn't do that. He'd never really done that more than a handful of times. And since they'd lived together they hadn't slept in the same bed more than two times.

Her life revolved around him. She loved him so much that she didn't want to think of finding someone else. But times were changing. He was changing and so was she. They hardly talked. They hadn't kissed in ages and she couldn't remember what his touch felt like.

She just wanted him to love her and she knew he never would – not like she wanted or deserved.

She took off her glasses and rubbed her face. She was at a loss for more words to say everything she was feeling. She hurt – inside and out. She ached for someone to understand and for someone to want her like she wanted him.

The dialogue on the TV screen made her pause. Faith. Would you take a big leap of faith for someone you really loved or would you sit there and wait for them to take the leap themselves.

Do first loves ever really go away? Does the hurt die when you want to die too? Or does the feeling live forever in your heart until you give up on it?

When do you give up on someone? Do you just look in the mirror one day and not recognize the person you've become or the person they've become?

Do you give up when you feel you've lost everything? Do you cry a little and scream inside your head that you're letting him go?

The only thing she can think of is leaving and never coming back. She feels like her life makes no sense and that she could walk out on him and he wouldn't care if she ever came back.

She could give up nine years of knowing him and let him go. But she can't. So here she is. Stuck until she has the will to walk away and forget him.

She tries to hold the tears inside because of him. He's here. We talk but it's about nothing.

****

We hide the way we feel. I hide the hurt deep inside behind the mask I put on.

The episode on the TV now hits close to home and makes me want to cry, but I hold it deep inside.

It's time to close. It's time to move on and begin a new chapter in my life.

Things happen for a reason

I've always heard things happen for a reason and that God does things in His own time.

I've heard things like "things will get better because they have to" and "there's only one way to go when you're at rock bottom."

It's the trying times that have us looking to our faith and when things are going good we often forget to say thank you to our maker for the day's blessings.

I can't say that my faith is strong right now. I know I've made mistakes and I'll take responsibility for them. My heart is struggling to breathe right now from the stress I'm under because of a situation I'm in. I ask all of you to pray for me and keep me in your thoughts as I go through this roller coaster of emotions and situations before me.

I'm going to use the opportunities before me to do a few things I need to do and a few things I have wanted to finish for a long time.

I am going to finish my book and read more. I'm going to go see some old friends and maybe make some new ones. I'm going to love somebody with all my heart even if they never love me back. I'm going to be the kind of person that has a big heart and does things to make others feel good. (If you know me, you know that's who I've always striven to be.)

Since the reunion has been canceled for now, I will still be going home for homecoming. I know home's only a 30 minute drive away, but sometimes to me it seems so far away. I know if I ever decide to move away from here I will miss it more than words can ever express. But maybe it's past time for me to move on and I can actually open my eyes to see it now.

Going home...and family reunions

My favorite definition of home is the following: any place of residence or refuge: a heavenly home.

I've been thinking about home more often lately because of Opp Fest and Absolutely Andalusia Homecoming next month. My family tries to have a reunion once a year - and sometimes it happens and others it doesn't. This year's reunion is centered around Andalusia's homecoming and the homecoming at our church - Mobley Creek.

I always enjoy seeing faces I haven't seen in months or sometimes years. The excitement of seeing the people I remember from Thanksgiving reunions many years ago makes me long for those days again.

When we can get together and eat and sing a few old hymns, we truly know we've all come home. My family is my refuge and my home.

The Wards - my mom's side of the family - have always been supportive and strong in their faith. My great granddaddy, Bill Ward was a baptist preacher and a farmer. Even though I never got to meet him, I feel as though I know him because of my Uncle Donald and stories I've heard about him from other uncles.

I'm always thankful that my family keeps growing and yet through technology we somehow keep up with each other.

I have so many fond memories of reunions in the past.

Thanksgiving morning I'd wake up early and watch the Macy's parade before Mom and Uncle Clyde decided it was time to head up the road to Aunt Vivian and Uncle William's house. The kids played football or tag or some other country game that didn't require a tv. We played in the dirt. We hid behind our mother's legs or behind trees or bushes in the yard.

The food was the best part! Everyone brought their favorite dishes and the men brought tables and chairs from the church for everyone. The eating would start about noon and the visiting would go on all afternoon - probably because there was lots of catching up to do and us kids didn't want to go home!

There are so many of our family that aren't with us anymore and not a day goes by that I don't remember one of them.

But we carry on and come home to Mobley Creek to see each other when we can.

November 13, 2010 we will have our next reunion. I'm already excited to see everyone and take pictures.

I know that going home for that weekend will truly make me feel like I belong somewhere.

Hurt

Sometimes I wonder why I feel the things I do. Sometimes I wonder why I can't see the hurt before it becomes too strong. Sometimes I wonder why I keep making mistakes and picking myself up. Sometimes I wonder why I can be so talented and still have nothing to show for it.

I've pondered and thought and wished and hoped for so long. And now I've finally come to the realization that what was never mine to begin with will never be mine anyway.

The things I want and things I need mean nothing. So I sit alone because I am alone – except for my God who sits with me.

When my tears fall and my heart breaks, I feel the angel wings brush my face. My tears are wiped from my eyes and I feel peace from the pain that wars inside.

I know I’ll never be everything I want to be. I know I’ll never be the one someone needs. I wish there were words that could say all I need to say.

Here’s a song that might do just as well:

What Hurts the Most by Rascal Flatts

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house

That don't bother me

I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out

I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while

Even though going on with you gone still upsets me

There are days every now and again I pretend I'm okay

But that's not what gets me

What hurts the most

Was being so close

And having so much to say

And watching you walk away

And never knowing

What could have been

And not seeing that loving you

Is what I was tryin' to do

It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go

But I'm doin' It

It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone

Still Harder

Getting up, getting dressed, livin' with this regret

But I know if I could do it over

I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart

That I left unspoken

What hurts the most

Is being so close

And having so much to say

And watching you walk away

And never knowing

What could have been

And not seeing that loving you

Is what I was trying to do

What hurts the most

Is being so close

And having so much to say

And watching you walk away

And never knowing

What could have been

And not seeing that loving you

Is what I was trying to do

Not seeing that loving you

That's what I was trying to do

Ooohhh....

Former teacher touched lives at Pleasant Home

Note: This article will appear in the Thursday, Sept. 2 edition of The Opp News.

The sound of Mamie Wahl’s booming voice and infectious laughter is something I’ll always remember.

Wahl was a sixth grade teacher at Pleasant Home School who taught high school chorus while I was in school. This tough lady went through a kidney transplant and a heart attack and still returned to teaching after each health scare.

Wahl passed away Thursday, Aug. 26 at the age of 58 after spending two and a half weeks in a coma.

Wahl was the kind of teacher you weren’t sure if you wanted to have until you had her. I remember the older kids telling me she was a tough teacher. And that was true. She was a tough teacher, but she was one of the best.

“Mrs. Wahl was always the teacher that all the other kids warned you about, but when I got there I found her to be a great teacher who was different from all the others,” former student Laura Watson said. “She knew how to show discipline without using brute force which always set her apart.”

While I have many memories of Wahl, I know my years in chorus will always be the ones I think of first.

I had the pleasure of interviewing Wahl several years ago while I was completing my internship at the Andalusia Star-News. She was candid about going through dialysis and finally receiving a kidney transplant.

I love to take trips down memory lane and often that comes with remembering what I liked about my favorite teachers.

Several of my schoolmates were kind enough to share their thoughts and memories with me Monday about Wahl’s determination not to give up on her students.

“What was so funny about Mrs. Wahl was that she’d throw a shoe at you, but she’d let you know that you can do anything if you set your mind to it,” former student Christy Watson said.

Wahl touched so many lives with her stern, but practical teaching. One former student was able to say “thank you” and get a little praise from her former sixth grade teacher.

“She’s someone that I’ll remember and be thankful for having the pleasure of knowing for the rest of my life,” Amanda Bryan said.

Bryan said she never understood until years later why Wahl pushed her to always do her best.

“About a year ago I saw her at the doctor’s office and told her thank you for what she’d taught me,” she said. “She smiled and said she knew that I had a lot of potential and that she had just been thinking of me a few days before. She said she was proud of how I turned out.”

Wahl touched lives even when she was going through dialysis before receiving a kidney transplant.

“When Mrs. Wahl had her kidney transplant, my mom was there at the same time for the same thing,” Pleasant Home graduate Leslie Tice Sightler said. “She was an extraordinary lady and I never really knew her that well until then.”

One of the things most students remember is how quickly Wahl’s temper would rise, but they also knew she was a caring teacher who never forgot a birthday.

“I remember how she would paddle you for your birthday, but of course it wasn't a painful paddling,” former student, Yancey Chavers said. “And I remember she would get mad if you called her by her full name, even if you put the "Mrs." in front of it.”

Many of her former students remember a sweet lady, but also one who could straighten up children in a way very few teachers can.

“I remember she was very sweet until you ticked her off,” Angie Cross Parker said with a laugh. “Then those eyes would just cut through you and you knew you better straighten up quick.”

Pleasant Home math teacher, Lisa Rolling remembers the fighter Wahl had become in recent years.

“She was a true fighter,” Rolling said. “She had fought for her life several times, but couldn't fight this one. I sure will miss her. She loved Pleasant Home and she loved her kids. She was a very devoted teacher.”

Many Pleasant Home students will never have the experience of a teacher like Mamie Wahl. This year’s sixth graders will never hear her famous saying “who died and made you king?”

While Pleasant Home, Wahl’s family and her former students mourn her loss, we can all know that our memories of her will last forever.

I know I’ll carry all of these memories with me and smile when I think of her.

Remembering mom's favorite things

As mother’s day approaches, I think of my mother, who’s been gone for half my life.

I remember the wonderful things about her and I smile but I get teary thinking I didn’t know her as well as I should have.

At 15, my only concerns were boys and getting my driver’s permit. I should have paid more attention to her. I should have – well I guess those shoulda, coulda, wouldas don’t really count now.

My mother, Edna Earl Ward Taylor, would be 70 this year.

As I grow older, my memories of her fade with each passing year. I can look back through my mind’s eye and see a few moments and those precious moments are the ones I cling to most.

I know my mother loved me. and I know she knew I loved her too. But the stories I hear about her now show me how little I paid attention to who she really was.

I remember little things – like her favorite perfume was Wind Song and she loved Harlequin romance novels. Her favorite color was purple – and that was the color of her burial dress.

She used a walking cane because she had back surgery and one of her legs was half an inch shorter than the other.

She loved makeup – blue eye shadow was her favorite. She wore fake fingernails because her real ones always broke off right at the tip.

I can still see her gluing them on when I close my eyes and take myself back.

She loved Marty Robbins and old musicals. She loved the movies, “The Robe,” “The Sound of Music” and “Sparticus.”

She liked mystery shows like “Murder, She Wrote,” “Columbo,” “Diagnosis Murder,” “In the Heat of the Night” and “Matlock.”

Her hair was always short and it turned grey by the time I was 14.

My mother was diabetic and she gave herself injections twice a day. I am diabetic now, which is something I wasn’t glad to inherit from her, but it makes me understand the struggles she endured.

She sang alto in the church choir. She was so proud when I sang my first solo that she taped it on a cassette recorder.

I can almost see her when I look in the mirror and when I do I see the sometimes wavy hair I inherited from her side. I hear my voice moving to alto when I sing in the choir now.

I can think of no better gift to give my mother than to continue to do her proud.

Mom’s Poem

I believe in angels

And just because I do

I know my mom is watching

Over me right now.

I know I’m not a failure

Or disappointment too

Because she’s watching, guiding

And helping me move through.

I wait for the Lord to come

Because I know ’tis soon

I’ll walk with her up there

And with Jesus too.

My mother was the best

She taught me about Jesus

And now she looks on with pride

As I follow all my dreams.

Even though I miss her

I know her love will never die

And even though she’s gone

I still wish her a ‘Happy Mother’s Day.’