Moving on from dream to reality

I'm trying very hard to be strong and keep a good head on my shoulders. And right now, being around people who care is an important part of getting through this hard time.

I have some wonderful friends and people who care about me and I'm so thankful for them in my life. Without them I'd have no one and I'd be all alone.

Sometimes I feel all alone in a crowded room, but that's just because I've lost everyone I've ever cared about - mostly family. I've lost one of my best friends, a guy who I thought would always be there for me. Turns out that his "old and grey" story was short lived. People change because of how you treat them and sometimes they can't change back to who they were when you met them.


The highlight in all of this mess is that I got to meet my favorite man in the entire world, Christian Kane. I met him could not find a single word to say that didn't sound completely stupid. I've always been like that when I've tried to talk to someone I had a huge crush on. I keep wondering what would have happened if I'd had the courage to do what I wanted. I have a lot of whatifs in my life. And I know I won't live this one down. But at least I got a picture with him. I'm really proud of it and that I got his autograph too. I know if I had a second chance to do it all again I would probably be the same way. Wish I'd had more of my girls with me to push me to do what I should have done. But it's okay. Hopefully one day I will get my chance again and I won't be a chicken. But I guess it was having built him up to be my perfect idea of Mr. Right that kept me from talking to him. I know if I could pick one person to be my Mr. Perfect, my knight in shining armor, my soulmate, it would be Christian.

I have so many dreams and hopes and wishes for my life. Mostly I wish to find true love and have my name on a book cover one day. I keep dreaming even though I know my dreams seem so far away from me right now.

After having lost Jason, I feel like I might never be whole again, but I know I will be. I've been through this before with him and with someone else whom I still see in this town. I hate having to be in this town knowing they can be happy without me in their lives. But one day I'll be happy without them too. I just have to find it or let it find me.

Fairytales and Castles by Lifehouse is one of my favorite songs. I guess I still hope that one day I'll get a happy ending of some sort.

Fairytales and Castles
by Lifehouse

He says he looks in the mirror
And he can't tell anymore
Who he really is and who they believe him to be
And he says he walks a thin line
Between what is and what could be
He's getting closer
To something he can't understand

Cause there's a crack in his plastic crown
And his throne of ice is melting
He climbed his ladder
There was nothing there
And now it's a long way down

Cause on and on and on he goes
Dancing on the grave
Of what he thought was still alive, hey
On and on and on he goes
Dancing in mansions made of twigs
And castles made of sand

He says his head is filled with
Cartoons and fairy tales
And he's trapped inside a dungeon of dolls
With smiles on their faces
He's built a pretty cage
His shows on a beautiful stage
With candy coated prison bars
And chains that look like jewelry

Cause there's a crack in his plastic crown
And his throne of ice is melting
He climbed his ladder
There was nothing there
And now it's a long way down

Cause on and on and on he goes
Dancing on the grave
Of what he thought was still alive, hey
On and on and on he goes
Dancing in mansions made of twigs
And castles made of sand

Cause he lives inside
A fairy tale sand castle now
And there's room inside
For false expectations and illusions

Cause there's a crack in his plastic crown
And his throne of ice is melting
He climbed his ladder
There was nothing there
And now it's a long way down

Cause on and on and on he goes
Dancing on the grave
Of what he thought was still alive, hey
On and on and on he goes
Dancing in mansions made of twigs
And castles made of sand

Cause on and on and on he goes
Dancing on the grave
Of what he thought was still alive, hey
On and on and on he goes
Dancing in mansions made of twigs
And castles made of sand

Cause on and on and on he goes
Dancing on the grave
Of what he thought was still alive, hey
On and on and on he goes
Dancing in mansions made of twigs
And castles made of sand

Cause on and on and on he goes
Dancing on the grave
Of what he thought was still alive, hey
On and on and on he goes
Dancing in mansions made of twigs
And castles made of sand