Lately, I have been thinking more and more about my years at LBWCC. I know I shouldn't, but I love the memories I have of my two years there. I met so many wonderful people at LBW. Hannah, Jeremy, Chris, Eric and so many more. I had wonderful teachers, like Doc and Mrs. Franklin. I couldn't have asked for anything more out of my junior college. I'm proud to have my two-year degree from LBW and I'm glad that I stayed home for the first two years of my college time.
I had some wonderful classes - my creative writing class was definitely one of my favorites. I guess that's because I love writing so much! I hardly ever got good grades in English even though it has become my favorite subject over the years. I know how to write a sentence and make it bleed into the hearts of my readers - or at least I hope I do.
I have thought about my writing and how I express my emotions when I write. I have thought about the past and about everything I need to leave there. I have let go of so much, but a few things still remain. I hold onto what I love with a fierceness I can't comprehend. I push people away when they get close to me because I've lost so many people. I am who I am because of my past and I wonder if I can ever be who I want to be. I don't even really know who I want to be.
You know they ask you when you're in school what you want to be when you grow up. I don't even remember what I said at each stage in my life. I might have said nurse or doctor or lawyer. I don't know. I wanted to be a lawyer when I was going into LBWCC, but I quickly dismissed that and was led by my wonderful adviser,the late Dr. Mike Daniel to journalism. I wouldn't have gone to Troy University and finished my degree if it wasn't for his wonderful guidance.
I've always been told to do something you love, but how can you possibly make a living writing? Sure, I know tons of people who write for a living in some form or another, but they don't make the big bucks. My dream job would be writing for a TV show like "The Vampire Diaries." What good are dreams like that if I can't get a break? Yes, my book will be published in the next few months, I hope. But at 32, I don't see my dreams coming true anymore. Yes, my book coming out is a HUGE dream come true, but it's not everything I wanted.
I guess I will always want more. I've always wanted more in relationships. I've always wanted my own knight in shining armor and my prince. But I know fairytales don't come true. I wonder if I will ever have a happy ending.
Love...regrets...loss
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Love. What does loving someone mean? I have felt it for many people over the course of my life, but I wonder if I will ever have someone feel the same type of love for me that I feel for them.
Over the past 15 years, I have loved many men. All of them will hold a special place in my heart. I can honestly say that only two have really remained in my heart for a long time. I know the one who will always be in my heart - the one that I will always love because he was the first guy I ever fell completely in love with.
As the story goes, he broke my heart simply because he didn't feel the same way about me. Because of the special memories and the amazing things he did for me, I know I will always love him. Whenever I needed a friend, he was there for me. He made me laugh like no one else ever has. He stood by me when I needed a shoulder to lean on and he helped me get through the loss of my favorite uncle. He wrote me a poem using the letters of my name. He gave me a flowering plant to show me how much he cared. Even though I no longer have the plant, I have a picture to remind me that he did care even though it wasn't in the way I wanted.
This boy was my best friend, he was my comfort and I wish that I could get that back. Some things aren't meant to be, I guess. Maybe I hurt him too. I don't know, but I can imagine I did. He hurt me more than anyone, but I still loved him - and I still do.
The other boy will have a special place in my heart, but I don't feel for him as I once did. He is a special friend to me, but that is all I feel for him now. I guess I'm numb after all I was put through with him.
I have regrets with the first boy I ever loved completely. I regret that I didn't remain in his life and that I couldn't get get past the hurt he caused me to stay friends with him. I'm sure if he's reading this, he knows this is about him.
Love is something I can feel completely. I love my friends and family more than words can say. I love the people who have always been there for me and loved me for who I am. These are the people who have made me what I am today.
Falling in love is wonderful, but it's horrible when it ends. I hope that one day I will find a man who will fall for me in return. I know I deserve the best, but I'm wondering if the best will ever come along. I can only wait and see what the future holds for me. I'm hoping love is part of what makes this year a great one.
Over the past 15 years, I have loved many men. All of them will hold a special place in my heart. I can honestly say that only two have really remained in my heart for a long time. I know the one who will always be in my heart - the one that I will always love because he was the first guy I ever fell completely in love with.
As the story goes, he broke my heart simply because he didn't feel the same way about me. Because of the special memories and the amazing things he did for me, I know I will always love him. Whenever I needed a friend, he was there for me. He made me laugh like no one else ever has. He stood by me when I needed a shoulder to lean on and he helped me get through the loss of my favorite uncle. He wrote me a poem using the letters of my name. He gave me a flowering plant to show me how much he cared. Even though I no longer have the plant, I have a picture to remind me that he did care even though it wasn't in the way I wanted.
This boy was my best friend, he was my comfort and I wish that I could get that back. Some things aren't meant to be, I guess. Maybe I hurt him too. I don't know, but I can imagine I did. He hurt me more than anyone, but I still loved him - and I still do.
The other boy will have a special place in my heart, but I don't feel for him as I once did. He is a special friend to me, but that is all I feel for him now. I guess I'm numb after all I was put through with him.
I have regrets with the first boy I ever loved completely. I regret that I didn't remain in his life and that I couldn't get get past the hurt he caused me to stay friends with him. I'm sure if he's reading this, he knows this is about him.
Love is something I can feel completely. I love my friends and family more than words can say. I love the people who have always been there for me and loved me for who I am. These are the people who have made me what I am today.
Falling in love is wonderful, but it's horrible when it ends. I hope that one day I will find a man who will fall for me in return. I know I deserve the best, but I'm wondering if the best will ever come along. I can only wait and see what the future holds for me. I'm hoping love is part of what makes this year a great one.
Dreams do come true...I hope!
Monday, May 7, 2012
Ever since I first read Anne Rice's "Interview with the Vampire" and saw the movie in 1995, I have wanted to be a writer. I guess you can say it is my dream job. Right now, I'm following that dream and I'm excited and yet scared of where it might lead. I don't know if I will get published and I don't know if I will have enough money to get me where I'm going, but I have to have faith that good things will happen for me.
With the love and support of my friends, I have reached out to do what I have been dreaming of since I was 15. I have sent letters and queries to several publishers with hopes to get my series started. I have always dreamed of meeting new people and meeting the people that have inspired me to write.
During the recent JAA banquet for the Hall School of Journalism at Troy University, I met some lovely people and saw some of my fellow journalists recognized for their achievements. I am proud to have completed my degree at Troy. I was able to see some of the professors I enjoyed while I was there and I even got to catch up with a few old friends. I am rooting for the Master's program for this fall. I would love to get a Master's in Communication, though what I will do with it is a huge question right now. I know Troy will be a better university if the program does get picked up this fall. I would be proud to be one of the first graduates of the Master's in Communication program.
As with everything, there are trials and tribulations, but we grow stronger with each twist and turn. We can expect things to get better for us after all of the unhappy times and the lows that have held us down. We want to know that our dreams and hopes are not stupid and can be achieved. We struggle on to a better tomorrow and hope that when things do start turning around, they really do make us happy.
Right now, I can honestly say that I am happy - as much as I can be without a job and money. I am following my dream - the one I mentioned at the beginning of this blog. I am going to be an author! I am going to finish Christian's story and make everyone love him as much as I do. (And yes, folks, this Christian was named WAY before I even met Christian Kane!)
I want to finish all the things I've never had time for in the past year. I want to catch up with old friends and make a bunch of new ones. I want to love someone this year like I have never loved before. If I get my heart broken, that's all part of the process. I just want to feel and write and make more of my life. I want to dream about all the things that I wish would come true for me.
Most of all, I want all of you that read this to continue to pray for me. I love each one of you and I wish for you the best that life can bring.
With the love and support of my friends, I have reached out to do what I have been dreaming of since I was 15. I have sent letters and queries to several publishers with hopes to get my series started. I have always dreamed of meeting new people and meeting the people that have inspired me to write.
During the recent JAA banquet for the Hall School of Journalism at Troy University, I met some lovely people and saw some of my fellow journalists recognized for their achievements. I am proud to have completed my degree at Troy. I was able to see some of the professors I enjoyed while I was there and I even got to catch up with a few old friends. I am rooting for the Master's program for this fall. I would love to get a Master's in Communication, though what I will do with it is a huge question right now. I know Troy will be a better university if the program does get picked up this fall. I would be proud to be one of the first graduates of the Master's in Communication program.As with everything, there are trials and tribulations, but we grow stronger with each twist and turn. We can expect things to get better for us after all of the unhappy times and the lows that have held us down. We want to know that our dreams and hopes are not stupid and can be achieved. We struggle on to a better tomorrow and hope that when things do start turning around, they really do make us happy.
Right now, I can honestly say that I am happy - as much as I can be without a job and money. I am following my dream - the one I mentioned at the beginning of this blog. I am going to be an author! I am going to finish Christian's story and make everyone love him as much as I do. (And yes, folks, this Christian was named WAY before I even met Christian Kane!)
I want to finish all the things I've never had time for in the past year. I want to catch up with old friends and make a bunch of new ones. I want to love someone this year like I have never loved before. If I get my heart broken, that's all part of the process. I just want to feel and write and make more of my life. I want to dream about all the things that I wish would come true for me.
Most of all, I want all of you that read this to continue to pray for me. I love each one of you and I wish for you the best that life can bring.
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